1. fishingboatproceeds:

    ohcurtains:

    ofgeography:

    so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

    here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

    disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

    sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

    so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

    here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

    • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

    so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

    EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

    • you have to pay for pay per view.

    so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

    • AS A FAMILY.

    and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

    "i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

    as a reminder, a quick table survey:

    • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
    • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
    • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
    • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

    silence.

    my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

    silence.

    my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

    my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

    • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

    "don’t expose my kid to that crap."

    • DON’T
    • EXPOSE
    • MY KID
    • TO THAT CRAP

    "if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

    • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
    • IN THE LIVING ROOM

    but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

    • are you fucking kidding
    • i did not want to go to porn prison

    the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

    • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
    • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
    • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

    but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

    • are you fucking kidding
    • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

    what an amazing story

    Wow.

    (Source: bellecs)

     
  2. 20:44

    Notes: 30530

    Reblogged from bobbyfinger

    Tags: yuuup

    bobbyfinger:

    christinefriar:

    I. love. the. Anaconda. video. but the writeups I’ve been seeing keep referring to Drake as a co-star, which I think misses a big part of the point.

    The reason this video rules is because Drake is an extra. Drake is a prop. Drake is a bro in the comfy-casual clothes that he rolled up to the set in, who has no lines or purpose other than the be ground upon, and whose face is obscured by shadows most of the time.

    This is not a continuation of the Drake/Nicki/Rih media narrative. This is a dank-as-fuck feminist power play. This is, “Drake is whatever to me.” And this is a man who, if he isn’t at the top of his game, is close to it. A huge celebrity. And here is Nicki looking fucking amazing, tormenting him into a boner, then swatting his hand away and walking out of frame.

    Your anaconda don’t want none unless she got buns, hun? Maybe she doesn’t want your anaconda. Maybe she’ll do whatever the fuck she wants with her buns, and it doesn’t matter what you think or feel.

    omg christine

     
  3. 19:05

    Notes: 34554

    Reblogged from crowdog66

    Tags: love

    sirenknights:

    Dice Shaming

     
  4. 17:27

    Notes: 22133

    Reblogged from queensamwise

    Tags: ohmy godguardians of the galaxy

    Deleted newsheadlinetextpost lines from Guardians of the Galaxy

    (Source: deleted-movie-lines)

     
  5. 15:49

    Notes: 87828

    Reblogged from seananmcguire

    Tags: yup

    rexuality:

    I hate being told to do something I was already planning on doing

    like I was all about doing this task, and then you told me to do it and now i am annoyed and this task is now 300x less likely to be completed

     
  6. 14:11

    Notes: 280162

    Reblogged from seananmcguire

    Tags: truth

    artemisfowlstolemysoul:

    Being a nice person is so fun

    Waiter messes something up? You can see the relief on their faces when you don’t scream and swear at them about it

    Extra tickets at an arcade/prize place? Watch a little kid’s face light up when you give them a bunch of tickets

    There are too many assholes in this world. Be a nice person.

     
  7. 12:33

    Notes: 273305

    Reblogged from queensamwise

    Tags: puppy puns

    image: Download

    diacrit:

hanesonly:

I almost forgot my briefcase!

it contains important lab results

    diacrit:

    hanesonly:

    I almost forgot my briefcase!

    it contains important lab results

    (Source: awwww-cute)

     
  8. 10:55

    Notes: 7244

    Reblogged from seananmcguire

    Tags: srsly tho

    kepral:

    i find it rlly fuckin funny when straight homophobic dudes make shows with only dudes and then get surprised when they look in their fandom and it’s just gay porn 

     
  9. 09:16

    Notes: 2801

    Reblogged from bestfriendtabitha

    Tags: x-files

    (Source: vital-dust)

     
  10. 07:38

    Notes: 17248

    Reblogged from the-reener

    Tags: pushing daisies

    (Source: tomhazeldine)

     
  11. 22:21 21st Aug 2014

    Notes: 33621

    Reblogged from nicholasinski

    Tags: truth

    megaparsecs:

    we’re all better and gayer people than we used to be 

     
  12. 20:43

    Notes: 9944

    Reblogged from captainwondyful

    Tags: nicki minaj

    My anaconda don’t
    My anaconda don’t
    My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun

    (Source: fallenforminaj)

     
  13. 19:05

    Notes: 93467

    Reblogged from laughingasongox

    Tags: tumblr

    shutupimscrolling:

welcome to tumblr

    shutupimscrolling:

    welcome to tumblr

     
  14. 17:27

    Notes: 2571

    Reblogged from captainwondyful

    Tags: 100%

    septembriseur:

    Wow, it’s so hard to understand why a woman-written comic about a female superhero who wears a sensible costume, writes fanfic, and stuffs her face with tasty gyros is so popular and trendy, while a cover for a forthcoming male-written book that portrays its female superhero as sexxily posing for porn sexxx in a suit that clings to every anatomical feature of her 22-inch waist and ass is widely derided. I mean, the thing is that it’s just really mysterious. It’s like how audiences say they’re interested in Black Panther and Ms. Marvel movies, when really what they want is even more white male superheroes. People are so confusing! 

     
  15. 15:49

    Notes: 57949

    Reblogged from seananmcguire

    Tags: aaaaaaaw

    image: Download

    ouyangdan:

themetaisawesome:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

gillpickle:

my babies are big, strong

THEIR FEATHERS STILL HAVE NOT COME IN YET BUT THAT IS OKAY
I STILL LOVE YOU
MY WEIRD FEATHERLESS CHICKEN BABIES

The wonders of adoption

seems legit

    ouyangdan:

    themetaisawesome:

    thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

    gillpickle:

    my babies are big, strong

    THEIR FEATHERS STILL HAVE NOT COME IN YET BUT THAT IS OKAY

    I STILL LOVE YOU

    MY WEIRD FEATHERLESS CHICKEN BABIES

    The wonders of adoption

    seems legit

    (Source: worldofthecutestcuties)